Simon: You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.
Simon: The life that I was trying for is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
Carol: Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Carol: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you
Melvin: It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
Carol: Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?
Frank: I grew up in hell! My grandmother has more attitude than you!
Frank: If there's a mental health organization that raises money for people like you, be sure to let me know.
Melvin: Last word freak.
[To Verdell the dog]
Melvin: Don't be like me. Don't you be like me!
[After telling Carol that he thinks she's the greatest woman on Earth]
Melvin: Is that something that's bad for you to be around, for you?
Carol: No.
Melvin: Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.
Carol: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.
Carol: Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin Udall: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Carol: Fucking H.M.O. bastard pieces of shit!
Beverly: Carol!
Carol: Sorry.
Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.
[To a group of depressed psychiatric patients.]
Melvin: What if this is as good as it gets?
[Sitting in the bar after Carol storms out]
Melvin: Well, it's not right to go into details, but I said the wrong thing. Whereas if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I'm here with you. No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Melvin: How can you diagnose someone with an obsessive compulsive disorder, then act like I have some choice about barging in here?
Melvin: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
Melvin: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Simon: Thank you, Melvin, you overwhelm me. I love you.
Melvin: I tell you, buddy, I'd be the luckiest guy in the world if that did it for me.
Dr. Martin Bettes: My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher. She said that I was to take excellent care of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work. What kind of work do you do?
Carol: I'm a waitress.
Beverly: In Manhattan.
Melvin: You're a disgrace to depression.
Melvin: [To Simon, who is in a wheelchair]Don't worry, you'll be back on your knees in no time.
Carol: How are you?
Simon: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts.
Carol: Why? What are you thinking about now?
Simon: How to die, mostly.
Carol: To think that in our little mix you're the good roommate.
Simon: You absolute horror of a human being.
Melvin: I'm dying here.
Simon: Because you love her.
Melvin: No! And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp?
Melvin: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Anyway, here goes: I've got this, what, ailment. Now, my doctor, this shrink I used to go to all the time, says that in fifty to sixty percent of cases, a pill really helps. I HATE pills, hate them. I'm using the word "hate" about pills. Anyway, my compliment to you is the night after you came over and said that you would never... well, you were there, you know what you said. Anyway, the very next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin: You make me want to be a better man.
Carol: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin: Well maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
Melvin: I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Carol: Do you want to dance?
Melvin: I've been thinking about that for a while.
Carol: [standing up] Well?
Melvin: No.
Melvin: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were fifty.
Carol: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were kind.
Simon: If you stare at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
Carol: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Melvin: I've got Jews at my table.
Carol: It's not your table, behave! This once, you can sit at someone else's station.
[all the other waitresses gasp]
Carol: Or you can wait your turn.
Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: Easy. I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Simon: The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
[After telling Carol that he thinks she's the greatest woman on Earth]
Melvin: Is that something that's bad for you to be around, for you?
Carol: No.
Melvin: Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon: Sure.
Melvin: You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon: Melvin --
Melvin: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't --
Simon: You consider your life easy?
[Pause]
Melvin: All right, I give you that one.
Melvin: I can't get back to my old life. She's evicted me from my life!
Simon: Did you really like it all that much?
Melvin:[To a bartender] Well, it's not right to go into details, but I said the wrong thing. Whereas if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I'm here with you -- no offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Carol: To hell with sex! It was better than sex! We held each other! What I needed, he gave me great.
[To Dr. Bettes, Spencer's wonderful new doctor]
Carol: Can we get you anything else? Water, coffee, couple of female slaves?
[Dumping Verdell down the garbage chute]
Melvin: This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!
Melvin: Oh, you were talking about your dog. I thought you were referring to that colored man inside your apartment.
Simon: Uh, what color would that be?
Melvin: Like uh, like thick MO-lasses.
[Melvin has once again insulted her without realizing it]
Melvin: Forget I said that.
Carol: I'll never forget you said it.
Melvin: As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap what or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?
Simon: GET OUT OF HERE!
Melvin: No need to stop being a lady.
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